I sat you down on the stone chairs at an empty void deck next to my block one fateful evening. It was a really tough day for me. What you don't know is despite all odds, I sincerely hope that back then you've chosen to take me home and be right there for me when I had to break the news. I thought, the shadows from my history have finally caught up with me, but this time round I will be stronger than ever. Because you will be here for me; you weren't.
It was difficult for me not because I'm afraid of my parents lashing at me, but that I am unwilling to upset them with the consequence of my own selfish ways, and my heart was completely torn knowing that all the nights I've stayed up to complete my class work/UTs have come to waste. How much tears I've shed to endure and come this far in my tertiary studies, over people that have hurt me or projects I couldn't finish. It was difficult for me not because I am afraid to be responsible for my own ill discipline but that I am reminded how far behind I'm from from everyone else my age in terms of capabilities because of my past. And now I've to be left behind all over again, alone. Still lack of working and social experience, still unable to move on like a grown up should. Still indecisive and uninterested in any damn fucking thing.
It is a terrifying thought when I know I needed to face and get it figured out what step to take after this. And you haven't been here for me. From appealing to enrolling to recovering, you never once cared enough to do anything for me. It was all in vain, the effort I took to tell you all about myself and my past, how vulnerable and in need of guidance I am. You didn't care. You don't even look at me anymore. I wanted rest. Your shoulders weren't there for me.
I thought, you having seen for yourself how badly affected I am I can't even read email replies from the facilitators you would've known better of my condition, how painful and unbelievable it is for me to deal with it if I had to do it alone.
But you were gone ever since.
You never assisted me to find out what can I do should I like to get back to school the following year. You never put more effort into our dates to ensure and keep me mentally stable, and aid my recovery from depression. You never made time for me to take me to the polytechnics to get any forms/ask any questions for future enrollment procedures or even just there to tour around so if I do end up there, I've been here with you before, I can adapt better and be more comfortable with the surrounding since I'm now familiar with the environment. You didn't do any of this. In fact, the frequency we meet up got lesser and lesser, by weeks, by days, by hours.
You choked your schedule up with all other things you consider more important than my well being. It seems like you've changed. That all about you writes fame and money. You see it as a better investment to hang out with people that matters and can help you succeed your career than the woman you vowed you love; to take care of. I have been put on hold for a long long time. I can't wait forever. Each time I break down over the phone you'd tell me to hang in there, you'll be available for me real soon. But the time never came. And nothing was ever done. You don't even know when you disappoint someone.
Then I thought, if I asked for it then I'll be given what I need. I was wrong. I've never been so wrong all my life. Everyday I drown myself in dramas and variety shows, just to fill the emptiness you've left in my life. I take time to find your tees and wear them at home hoping that'll make me as equally close to you. I go shopping for things you could use (alone), after running my errands (alone) hoping you'll see how badly I think of you even if you haven't spoken to me properly for weeks. I was wrong. Without proper conversations, what every phone call leaves me with is a pair of tear-welled eyes reassuring me that this drift is no dream. The more I asked for you, the more opportunities it gave you to upset me, the further I felt from you.
You never showed up. You never showed up the way you should in 2011. If you ever got convinced to show up, you don't stay long or often enough to make me feel longed for, or comforted from the storm inside me.
I've been having my heart broken so constant lately, I can't make out if these are actually new scars or wounds that never healed.
Why are you always not around.
Why.
Why are you not here now.
When will you come back.
What will make you come back.
Please.
My head's (and life) been missing you so dearly it pains me to the bone.
Where are you, Ben.
My head's (and life) been missing you so dearly it pains me to the bone.
Where are you, Ben.