We were gonna spend a life time together...
To remind you about us - the things we've planned to do, or we would've already done if I was older
To urge you not to confuse your hectic life now with your interest in me
To get you to read me the little handmade story book you wrote me on our first valentines' together
But
All those around me have dishearten me
If you love me you'll come back, they say
I don't have to stoop down so low to plead you if you want me you'll come back, they say
Almost 2 weeks have past, all along I couldn't wait to finally speak to you about us because I believe it'll turn out right
And we can all feel happy and well again
And we can continuously fall in love again
But what if it turns out bad...
I can't forgo school
There isn't a right time for us to meet up and "talk about it" at all...
I'm so lost
Are you?
All you had to do was tell me you want me, you're still sure about me; and that you still look forward to our forever
All you had to do was said you made a mistake
Things will be so much easier
I want to fight for you so bad - as soon as possible
But there's no good time to do it, so maybe I won't initiate it until you ask to see me.
But I worry if you would think I'd given up too early because I stop asking for you
But I didn't give up
I just don't know what to do
I just... don't want to face the downfall of us
I was almost certain that you understood I still mean a hell lot to you,
But last night you told me you're not sure why you're "caring",
And you refuse to kiss my wounds to make them better
I'm so afraid
So afraid of losing you
I love you baby ben
I love you
I don't fucking wish to miss any part of your life
But you make me to
I miss you
I really thought I was gonna be your bride in bright red hair
Just the way you liked it
Gonna spend the rest of my life fucking you, pampering you
Every fucking day
We are special, don't you see it?
Call me by my pet name and spare me the negative crazy talks
And all this pressure piling below my breasts
And all this while having my heart stuck at my throat
And all this breathlessness and having my limbs and insides twisted the whole time
You lift 'em right off me
So effortlessly
I feel complete again
You fix me the way no prayers could ever comfort
But fearful I am
This might soon again come to an end
You have the power to literally sweep me off my feet anytime
For the good and the bad
You're so dangerous for me
Even though it feels funny, like you're deliberately acting distant from me
But everything feels so much better now
I love you
I can't do without you
It's so tough
It's not like when you're ready you will still pick me
Can't we just hold onto everything that we have
I want to be the one that grows old with you
You say it was never my problem
But you kinda, like, stop loving and caring about me
And that is really my problem
What's wrong with me, why can't I keep you
We fitted together so seamlessly
Your love makes my head spin
Please just let me sink into your chest, you can have your arms wrapped around me
You can give me everything I need
Everything I need is to be around you, baby
Why are you tearing us apart
We were so happy and so good together
We clearly belonged together
Why are you trying so hard to tear us apart
I'm just abandoned here in my empty room wailing and wailing over the lost of you
I kept calling out to you, like can you hear me
Bi
Bi
Bi
BI
BI????!
BIII...
Can you want me?!
Oh dear God, what the fuck went wrong.
Please don't take him away... Please don't let him go away
I've got freshmen orientation on in a few hours...
I don't really want to go
Especially not without you around, seeing me through the gates
I'd much rather be stuck here in time with you
You in my head as though in my life
I still speak to you every passing day
Breathing down your neck, running my fingers through your hair.
I know you can't see me, and you can't feel me, but it's okay
What I know is that down this road
When God finally let me return home and meet my little piece of heaven
I don't want to have the man sitting 'round my house to only be a ghost of you
I want you
To live in your heaven, and have you live in mine
We will together create our own space with all our favorite things
Where this time round
Happiness is deemed to last
You're my fucking baby.
I'm so messed up from crying again.
You said this wasn't meant to be a break up
I stayed up till 5 in the morning
And intuitively got up by 8
Kept myself home all Monday
Lunging at every notification that lights up on my screen
I was eager for you, I was hungry for you;
To care enough to turn around and bid goodbye -
Like you never failed whenever you fly.
Or maybe I was just looking for a dumb reason to feel better lately
To know/believe that I have crossed your mind countless times a day
And if you are still in love with me irreversibly
And if you still want me desperately
To know/believe that you've struggled with pulling yourself away from me
And if you were wrong about the lost of a burning passion whenever our eyes met, our skin touch, our voice swallowing each other on the line of a bad reception
And if all you ever were, is that you were just too exhausted from the world/work outside to come home to handle me
I always relate every conflict we had as the worst.
But now it feels like I've sobered up, nothing beats the way my ribs crushed when you undeniably snapped that you no longer feel like doing any of 'it' with me.
I constantly winced at the disgust in your anger,
and whenever you said "putting my picture" anywhere was never your thing (not true, you always wanted to be seen with me on your DPs and shit, you just don't look upon me as the once so untouchable goddess you'd die without anymore), yet you got the last laugh when you left me anyway.
I've been going through the things you texted me.
There were so much contradictions in your explanation I no longer know what to make of.
I have a lot of doubts I need you to help me with,
so my thoughts can finally settle in and let you go,
But do you care.
2 weeks is a hell of a time without you.
I'm guessing you're gladly immersed in your hours of freedom and solitude.
It comforts me, then again it doesn't really.
Wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older
I am my own person
And I will not set fire to myself
To keep you warm
For once, I chose to.
Fuck. I wish you'd find someone that doesn't love you to love you,
BECAUSE GOD you are so terrified of anything real.
Or I'm just a huge mistake you thought you'd like to be committed to.
Never sleep, though.
Sleep is my only escape.
Isn't it ironic?
That the things we do
To feel alive
Are the things that can
Destroy us
It's amazing you don't recall how it felt watching me from across the hall, and wished I was laughing with you and holding your hand instead.
It's amazing how best of me actually makes you go away, and you were never bothered if I do stick around.
Not sure I've misinterpreted all the truth you meant to tell me, or you just really make a bad choice of words and expressions.
They call it a heart break. But my entire body has been aching all day.
"I can never be like that guy you just met"
"I want to stay too"
"I tell myself to be there for you"
"I'm loving you lesser and lesser... it doesn't feel like before"
"What if I don't even feel like doing that now"
"I can't promise you anything this instant"
You told me,
"I feel incompetent to love you"
"I want my own fun"
"I do miss you but it's only for a short while"
"The kind of love you deserve... it hurts me that I'm not loving you the way you should be loved"
"I don't know how to love and appreciate you until I know I want you back"
Above all, I clearly knew the truth to your departure,
"Why don't you see things like I do"
"Why can't you like my friends"
"I want to attend music festivals and raves... I want to meet my friends and talk over beer..."
"I consider these people as family"
"I've been so disinterested"
So why do I keep allowing myself to believe only the part of the story you painted for me.
So why do I still think I can take you back,
Then trust you all over again with my heart that you would leave behind anytime you please.
I am not family.
I am not priority.
I am definitely not 'too good' for you.
I noticed you're doing well alone because you wanted to be alone.
I should really stop being a fool for love.
None of this was for the sake of me, knowing that all I needed was you to be around,
The whole act of taking me out of your life, it was for you.
You asked me,
"Why do you still love me?"
Is it better if I don't, Ben?
You told me,
"I love you too"
Do you really?
How many times I have wished I could have taken mini's place, that the death of me is what you'll wake up every morning anticipating. At least, I'll truly have you again for the last time. Maybe I never really did... these 3 years felt like a huge lie after last night... I kept you so close to me for so long because I thought you wanted me, forever. And forever was mere couple of months for you.
I remember so vividly all the things you used to do to me -
I can't comprehend how could you not.
If you see me in someone else's arms tonight,
will it pain you.
I hope you find all things you've dreamed of, soon enough.
Why do you like to ruin me.
I love you.
...
So love me back.
Plus he's there for you when he shouldn't be
But he stays all the same, wait for you
Then sees you through"
\
fuck.
It's creeping in.
I've been through this countless times and they often end the same - forgotten.
No one ever heed my words.
I told you we'll spiral down this phase if you won't quit.
I told all of them.
I told you.
It's not a decision I made.
It's the rest of me.
They have stepped in.
That's why
You pretty much can't hurt me anymore.
You're on your last round.
It's not a decision I made.
They took love away.
And seemingly,
They bring pieces to peace.
It will heal me.
Rapidly.
Fill the void you never did.
What the fuck. I'm not even sorry for moving on (with such torment).
Fuck you and your privileges. Enough with "I can't help that my body couldn't keep up with the way my heart feels", you and your crafty ways to make me weak so I'd let my guards down, again, for one 'last' promising shot.
I'm fucking over with losing who I actually am and demeaning myself time after time in order to make you stay. It's not me you thought you loved, anyway.
Why the fuck do I bother with these non-endearing directions. The victim role was destined to cling onto me. I am never permitted to lose my cool or walk away from your motherfucking gigantic ego, never offered a breather, a human right to stand my grounds, to be considered, to be remembered, to be saved. You're so blinded with the praises ignorant people sang you, fucking hell with the sort of brains you were blessed with. With such intelligence, you even successfully deluded your conscious self that you deserved every fucking bit of this despite knowing all is just a facade of who you truly are beneath your smiling faces and ridiculously tedious accent-sh talk. Such overpowering arrogance and dominance you lived in these years. So used to the things and ways I allowed you to feel simply because I decided from the instant I gave you my hand, I'd be the one that loves you more. This is not about us anymore, it's just about you. You being worshiped by me every fucking moment even if you fail me ways you shouldn't have. You being the one I fear. You being the one that thrives. I never had a damn voice, never had experienced the pair of familiar loving arms around me with innocence of a man just trying to soothe the storm in it's girl. Sure I might have chances where I pushed my luck and talk a whole load of crap to you which you never once read.
Since I realized I was never taken seriously.
I won't too.
I've left every inconclusive dispute with a less broken heart, and witnessed myself shedding lesser tears over 'supposedly stupid affairs' in the past few months of solitary; and today.
I've left behind old hopes and dreams, the start of every new conflict now slowly wakes me up to reality.
Things aren't the same anymore, it probably never will be for us. If it hits you at one point, amongst your oh-so enriching life, you've been missing me, then come seek me, and truly, with repentance you will find me.
I used to adore you with the whole of my heart.
Now it's just fragments of pity.
As of 3:26AM on the 7th of February 2014, this is still love finding it's place inside my veins, just that, well, things aren't the same anymore.
Take me with you to your icy cold land.
I don't want to be soft-hearted too.
I sat you down on the stone chairs at an empty void deck next to my block one fateful evening. It was a really tough day for me. What you don't know is despite all odds, I sincerely hope that back then you've chosen to take me home and be right there for me when I had to break the news. I thought, the shadows from my history have finally caught up with me, but this time round I will be stronger than ever. Because you will be here for me; you weren't.
It was difficult for me not because I'm afraid of my parents lashing at me, but that I am unwilling to upset them with the consequence of my own selfish ways, and my heart was completely torn knowing that all the nights I've stayed up to complete my class work/UTs have come to waste. How much tears I've shed to endure and come this far in my tertiary studies, over people that have hurt me or projects I couldn't finish. It was difficult for me not because I am afraid to be responsible for my own ill discipline but that I am reminded how far behind I'm from from everyone else my age in terms of capabilities because of my past. And now I've to be left behind all over again, alone. Still lack of working and social experience, still unable to move on like a grown up should. Still indecisive and uninterested in any damn fucking thing.
It is a terrifying thought when I know I needed to face and get it figured out what step to take after this. And you haven't been here for me. From appealing to enrolling to recovering, you never once cared enough to do anything for me. It was all in vain, the effort I took to tell you all about myself and my past, how vulnerable and in need of guidance I am. You didn't care. You don't even look at me anymore. I wanted rest. Your shoulders weren't there for me.
I thought, you having seen for yourself how badly affected I am I can't even read email replies from the facilitators you would've known better of my condition, how painful and unbelievable it is for me to deal with it if I had to do it alone.
But you were gone ever since.
You never assisted me to find out what can I do should I like to get back to school the following year. You never put more effort into our dates to ensure and keep me mentally stable, and aid my recovery from depression. You never made time for me to take me to the polytechnics to get any forms/ask any questions for future enrollment procedures or even just there to tour around so if I do end up there, I've been here with you before, I can adapt better and be more comfortable with the surrounding since I'm now familiar with the environment. You didn't do any of this. In fact, the frequency we meet up got lesser and lesser, by weeks, by days, by hours.
You choked your schedule up with all other things you consider more important than my well being. It seems like you've changed. That all about you writes fame and money. You see it as a better investment to hang out with people that matters and can help you succeed your career than the woman you vowed you love; to take care of. I have been put on hold for a long long time. I can't wait forever. Each time I break down over the phone you'd tell me to hang in there, you'll be available for me real soon. But the time never came. And nothing was ever done. You don't even know when you disappoint someone.
Then I thought, if I asked for it then I'll be given what I need. I was wrong. I've never been so wrong all my life. Everyday I drown myself in dramas and variety shows, just to fill the emptiness you've left in my life. I take time to find your tees and wear them at home hoping that'll make me as equally close to you. I go shopping for things you could use (alone), after running my errands (alone) hoping you'll see how badly I think of you even if you haven't spoken to me properly for weeks. I was wrong. Without proper conversations, what every phone call leaves me with is a pair of tear-welled eyes reassuring me that this drift is no dream. The more I asked for you, the more opportunities it gave you to upset me, the further I felt from you.
You never showed up. You never showed up the way you should in 2011. If you ever got convinced to show up, you don't stay long or often enough to make me feel longed for, or comforted from the storm inside me.
I've been having my heart broken so constant lately, I can't make out if these are actually new scars or wounds that never healed.
Why are you always not around.
Why.
Why are you not here now.
When will you come back.
What will make you come back.
Please.
My head's (and life) been missing you so dearly it pains me to the bone.
Where are you, Ben.
My head's (and life) been missing you so dearly it pains me to the bone.
Where are you, Ben.
I'm not okay.
It is not okay for me to feel sad.
You're wrong.
Why do you have to argue so senselessly, so tragically. Why do you have to be like this? So foul, so awful.
I didn't want to give this fight up until you acted so incomprehensible. The frail of a girl strategically placed aside.
What could make you so possibly heartless to say 'no' to me this easily. Like it doesn't hurt to decline the trouble I've gone through to do those things.
I didn't want to get burned and buried away in my past life. You were ignorant once, too.
Where's the point in the honesty and comfort of my words when my courage's shaken at every speculation you make.
I didn't want to think what you told me were out of spites.
Who said it was okay.
I didn't get a chance at not forgiving you. I haven't got a chance.
And because I have taken you too seriously all these while, everyday, every insult you made, every shove against my arm, every prank you pulled, every revenge you plotted, every out you walked on me, every frown shone upon my dampened face, am I in such awkward predicament.
To love or not to love doesn't make no difference however more.
I am a lie, unwavering even in the day light.
I am a torn paper plane, unable to take flight.
That's that or my heart's going out of breath.
2012, 4:16 AM
"You are so predictable still... I just need to remember what comes first, will forever be you."
Tranquility of the moon's shine.
Serenity of a favourite song on replay.
Your heartstrings will mend.
I'm like a budding rose, struggling to stay alive from the poisoned seed you sown.
I could have made it, with the fact of a miracle that I ever grown.
Past spring, summer, fall and winter, you left me to wither.
The sun came, the sun gone.
Morning dew weighed on my blush pink petals like overnight's weep.
But young thorns don't prick.
The roots weak, clawed deep.
Young love can last forever.
I tried to make our differences work.
Yet, through these days, I really thought you ought to be better to me a little more than now.
It's not, Ben.
You don't weigh your affections this way.
It's not like this, Ben. It's not like this. Regardless, you're still my baby.
It's okay if you really think I'm taking advantage of you/your kindness. It's okay... I can try getting used to this... because I love you. Still.
So alone.
So disappointed.
So cheated.
So hated.
So tiny.
It's okay if you don't keep in mind what I always tell you. I always end up forgiving you anyway. Don't I.
But.
Last Christmas you so desperately wanted me to be by side.
This Christmas you acted like you still do.
This Christmas... I barely pulled through.
You did everything I knew you would do - everything I knew you would rather do.
When I got you back, we fought.
I told you how I felt. I expressed myself in the most familiar way, but it was also your most hated way.
By now I can hardly see. I was ripped apart all over again right there and then.
Fend. Distract. Divert. Ignore. Argue.
You are so predictable still... I just need to remember what comes first, will forever be you.
I would very much like to pour my heart out here, somewhere I hope you've forgotten. Because if I wanted to hurt you knowing the things that hurt me, I would have told you upfront - drench and swallow you with all my naked truths. You know I would. But didn't.
Served fresh, I could present you my bare bleeding heart on this desk, but I've known better to tag it along with an indifferent mind, knowing the only feedback would be a harsh debate on your own part, lots of cold wars and mean words. Forever so careless.
...
(3 hours later)
Ok bye. Suddenly don't feel emo anymore. Not sure how to end this.
i tried to forgive you
truly i did
but you grew like weeds around my aching soul
entwining with my veins
and invading my dreams;
like a parasite
your oblivion latched onto me
and sucked away everything i once regained faith for
I would hug you if you need one right now, and pray the same embrace would piece me back.
Would you stay just a little, my love.
Would you sway just a little, my love?
Cause the hole in the middle of my heart needs filling up
If you stayed just a little, its enough.
Fucking fucking fucking broken.
All over again.
How could you be this selfish and carefree.
I need a grip.
From these load piling on my back.
And I always felt you were lying about coming back.
Because I allowed you, you became only best at breaking my fucking fucking broken heart.
I am so sick to my stomach that having tried so hard, so often, having done so much, so frequent, so consistent, it has not proven my determination and love for you.
Right.
I will never be up to your demands.
Because I am already yours.
Nothing so exaggerated was an issue when I wasn't.
You won't bug to do the least favor to save me these tears, not yesterday, not now, not anymore.
Not me.
Not anyone.
Just some fucking time alone to reflect on how much of a shit person you've grown to become.
I thought about a lot last night, and I swear I could write an essay on the new you..
But it is this bad, I'm clueless how to begin.
Please don't vow on some bull crap you can't keep up with then tell me you don't want to be held responsible for, or indebted to fucking me. You probably already knew I wasn't worth it since 9 months ago.
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You weren't who I met at the bus stop that day.
I'm the only one who has to face it. Everyday. Regardless how I feel about it. How much it affects me. Affects us. How much damage it has done. It could do. I could compile all these excuses into a hand book. I have to constantly sympathise. Who's there to sympathise me. Sympathy or empathy? Less is more? I guess feeling sorry for what you've to make somebody go through for you is way easier than being gentle alone. That's like giving a penny to the poor but won't quit splurging. Like taking part in earth hour but won't quit wasting. Like saying things are forgiven but won't quit dwelling. Like declaring faith but won't quit frowning. That's like effortlessly doing small things to prove big things. Why won't you start trying as well? Because I have been trying from the start. If you've actually tried, why won't you try harder.
There are days I wish would end better.
I'm am as tired as you are, but I have never stopped sacrificing. Time, money, tolerance.
I greeted mornings with angst too, but I have never let them come near you.